Monthly Archives: September 2012

Vacation lists

Today, Saturday, was the first day of my autumn vacation.  I take a week before the holiday season really starts and then one in January when it’s finally dying down.  It’s about the only way I can stay sane.  Well, given my last post, I’m not entirely sane, but that’s okay!  I’m on vacation now!

A little tip: When you’re too poor to go somewhere sunny and beachy on vacation, stay home and pretend you’re rich and don’t have to work.  What do you do with your day?  (I, apparently, drink too many caffeinated sodas and stay up until 5:30 in the morning the first night.)  I would like to be the sort that rises in the morning, has a cup of tea (ok, it would be ice tea with tons of sugar and lemonade or other juice because I kind of hate tea), and leisurely starts my productive day.  However, I am actually the sort who gets woken up at 11:10 by a phone call from her mom, rousting her out of bed in time for lunch, eats Chinese food, wanders around Goodwill, and then proceeds to do nothing constructive the rest of the day.  It was nice, though.

When I start a vacation, one of the first things I do is make a list.  I know there will be a lot of down time, times when I’m playing Plants Vs. Zombies or reading or watching tv.  I also know there will come a time when I am sick of doing those things (I know, amazing, right?).  So then I can go to my list and see what I can cross off.  I put all sorts of things on my list, knowing I will not finish all of them, but I will feel great if I get about half of the things done.  (I am reminded of Allie Brosh on Hyperbole and  a Half saying CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!)

Here is my list so far:  (of which, I’ve done none)

  1. Do dishes, including emptying the dishwasher and scrubbing all the pans that collect on my stove
  2. Take out trash, the easiest and most ridiculously hated chore
  3. Vacuum.  I used to do this weekly, once.
  4. Wash patio door glass.  Yep, it’ll rain immediately after I do this.  I know.
  5. Oil change for the car.  My poor, abused Tesla Stubbyhorn.  Yes, that’s its name.
  6. Finish third story for next short fic collection, and
  7. Format and publish it at Smashwords and Amazon
  8. I suppose if I type in “make cover for short fic collection, I could check it off, but that would be cheating since I’ve had that done a month now.
  9. Edit some chapters in Ethne’s book.  (This won’t get done.  Look how sloppy that goal is.  How many chapters?  What kind of editing?  Just cutting out the crap in the draft?  Rewriting?  Writing new chapters?  Pathetic.)
  10. Start setting myself up for NaNoWriMo.  Only one month away!  I’ve figured out that I’m not a pantser, so I will try a more definite outline this year.  Plus I have to pick some character names because I’m not happy at all with the two main character names.  (Remember how problematic Jezra’s name was? That was constantly distracting.)
  11. Build a sheet fort in the living room.  This is a holdover from my last vacation list.
  12. Write in aforementioned sheet fort.
  13. Get the house really cold and watch a movie with hot chocolate and a whole nest of blankets on the sofa.
  14. Clean bathroom.  Actually the second or third most likely thing to get done.
  15. Laundry.  In order of importance, this ought to be first.  However, since this is a random list, here it is.
  16. Read a book.  Doesn’t matter which one.  Just not Sherlock fan fiction.  Something I can admit in public.  🙂  Also note that Mystrade fan fiction does not count as NOT Sherlock fan fiction.
  17. Format and post a story on  This is part of my marketing strategy.  If I publish a new collection, I ought to pop up somewhere else online to try to gain readers.
  18. Think of new marketing strategy, since this one isn’t really working 🙂  Find a few other places to post, for instance, or check out some of the review blogs.
  19. Oooh!  It’ll be October!  Decorate for Halloween!  (Who am I kidding?  My tentacle stocking has been hanging up continuously since I made it, my tablecloth has been my spiderweb one since last Halloween and there is a furry monster wreath with a devil sitting inside it hanging across from my front door.)
  20. Finish creepy circus altered book and post a blog about it.  Uhm, remember to take photos.
  21. Watch the 2 movies I rented and return them by Wednesday.  (Sherlock Holmes 2 and Albert Nobbs)
  22. Hem the new pants in the closet.  Important!  Can’t wear capri pants all winter!
  23. The printer needs new ink.  Not sure if this will involve buying some or just finding a box I have stashed somewhere.
  24. Try not to go too nuts at the office store.  I still do want a legal notepad with a spiral top.  Hrm.  And pens.  New pens.  Because the 483 pens I already have aren’t enough.

I think that’s enough for the time being.  When I start sinking in office supply fantasies, it’s time to stop the list.  So as you can see, I should not be bored, even if I never leave the house.  My loving mother always thinks I’ll be lonely and bored, but I think that’s projection.  If nothing else at all, I have the joy of procrastinating against every single item in this long list.  With what?  What could possibly be left?  Well, that’s yet another list.  🙂

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Posted by on September 30, 2012 in Uncategorized


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A bummed-out mess — WARNING, self-indulgent crapfest

Last night at work, weariness took hold by the end.  I was going through the motions, but my ability to care about anything was gone.  I had someone piss and whine about something unintentional and inconsequential and I turned off.  Fortunately, the night was nearly ended, so I didn’t have to do exhausted robot for too long.  I stayed for the paperwork, entering someone’s incomplete (no phone number is XXX-XXX-XX, wtf?) and illegible information in the computer.  I still feel the pulse of mild hysteria in my chest when I repeat the phrase that came out of my mouth, “What the hell letter is this even?  A balloon?”  It was, and still is, so funny-horrible-pathetic that I could almost cry and laugh at the same time, still.

I’m tired.  I’m so goddamn tired.  It’s the sort of tired that can’t really be cured by sleep.  I took a week of vacation, but, as usual, I didn’t schedule it soon enough.  That last week before vacation time is always the worst.  Five days of work until at least 8 days off.  In a row.

Starting vacation today, however, would have been better.  I crashed today.  I didn’t leave the house.  I barely left the bedroom.  I didn’t leave my pajamas.  I slept until noon, which helped, but I couldn’t bear to make myself do the sorts of things that presented me to the world.  I didn’t shower; I didn’t dress.  I didn’t even order food in because dealing with a delivery person was more than I could stand, as if their momentary presence, just another person’s physical existence, would utterly destroy me.

How’s that for melodramatic?

And so I apologize to anyone who might have expected me to do something remotely sociable today, because that just could not happen.  I couldn’t call my mother, even though I told her I would check up on her and since she had surgery less than two weeks ago, that would have been daughterly.  I couldn’t bear to lie or tell the truth.  I couldn’t call my best friend, even though I don’t see her nearly often enough and it was her birthday yesterday and I feel shitty about only making a wall post on Facebook about it.  I couldn’t answer the door when my old neighbor J stopped by, probably driving 30 miles from where he moved to, though probably not just to see me, but he did stop by and I crept to the door, peered through the peephole, and crept back to bed.  He may have heard and know I ignored him, or maybe not, and I feel bad either way since he knows my car and knows I was home.  Hopefully he thought I was sleeping or something.  My curtain wasn’t open, so I generally figure that is enough of a not-receiving-callers sort of sign, but he never once held to that unspoken rule.  But I couldn’t face him long enough to actually say anything.

So on top of all the shit, I feel guilty, too.  Because I needed to be alone, vastly alone, and I feel like that disappoints everyone.  Not that anyone I need to apologize to reads my blog, but I suppose that’s just as well.

I disappoint myself, too, because I don’t know if I have enough gas in the car to get to work tomorrow, I have no food in the house and I had pancakes without syrup for lunch and tater tots for dinner because I haven’t been grocery shopping in ages and the lettuce is brown and the bread is probably green, the milk is expired and the eggs are gone.  So there are several things I ought to have done today that I didn’t do, but I wallowed instead.

I wallowed and I feel like I did in high school and the summers between college semesters.  I crafted until I hurt last night before bed.  Today I laid around on the computer and read Sherlock fan fiction the entire day.  The.  Entire.  Day.  It made me miss the online friends I had back in college, the ones who would let me whine to them the entire night through.  It probably wasn’t helpful, but I felt like I was in some sort of pathetic little community.  I could be social without being social.

Clearly, I make it really hard for someone to be my friend.  I understand that.  I feel like I’m getting more and more difficult, and I’m making less and less of the required effort.  And maybe I’ll feel different after a good night’s sleep, or a vacation week away from work.  Won’t really take me away from stress, because I bring that upon myself, true, but at least maybe being less sore and tired will help.

For anyone still reading, I’m sorry.  I had to write this, but I didn’t have to post this 🙂  Maybe getting it out of my head will get it out of my life, if only temporarily.  The day went so quickly.  It is already midnight and I feel as if it should be merely four in the afternoon, about time for a shower and supper and a partial day where I can actually function.  However, there is no partial to the day left, and while I feel somewhat better (or not, the balloon hysteria still wells up a bit when I think of it), it is merely time to think of heading to bed to start another day.

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Posted by on September 23, 2012 in Uncategorized


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